No Streaks -or- Further Windexploits 2

Good morning, readers!

Today is a very special day.  Today we are shooting the Windex commercial I've been raving about for the past week.  It's going to be a busy day for me.  In less than an hour I'll be at the studio, probably getting dressed in a hallway on some backlot.  Now, I know what you're all thinking.  Is he really going through with this?  But what about the demon baby?  Is this commercial for the new, greener Windex products?  Well, hopefully I can answer at least two of those questions. . .

First off, yes.  I'm really going through with the commercial.  I realized last night that it would be a great opportunity for me.  Thirdly (yes, I know I skipped secondly) yes, again.  These products are green.  The commercial is actually going to be pretty cool!  I play a young narcissist who loves looking at his own reflection.  Well, one day I'm on a picnic with my racially-ambiguous girlfriend, sitting next to a pond.  I keep trying to check my reflection in the pond, but it's murky and unclear. SO, my gf pulls out new Green Windex (environmentally friendly) from the picnic basket and hands it to me.  I spray the surface of the pond and, magically, I can see myself perfectly clear!  Sounds awesome, right!?

Now on to the demon child problem.  If you recall from my last Windexploits post entitled, Answers From the Land of Dreams, I mentioned my inevitable duty of killing the director, Michael Lovelace.  He is a vicious Vocah demon who must be put down before he ruins the lives and bodies of any more budding stars.  I know it sounds risky, but never fear, my friends!  I have a plan.  The details are blurrier than my reflection in that pond was, but hopefully I'l be able to clear them up, streak free!  And as soon as I do I will definitely divulge them to my readers.

Ta-ta for now!

Naturally,

PE

Drinking Chips: A Dreadful Habit

Today, at work, I decided to take my lunch alone.  I walked to the nearest empty quarter of my office building and sat at a sun-drenched table near our closed cafe.  It seemed ridiculous to me that a coffee shop would close at 2pm, the height of lunch hour, but these things are sent to try us, I suppose.  

I sipped a bowl of warm soup and crunched on croutons I had brought from home.  I played around on Twitter for a while, and finished my meal, packed it up, and threw away my garbage (in its respectable recycling bin, of course).  Upon leaving the cafe I realized I wasn't alone as I had expected.  A rather large woman from management was sitting across the room from me, seemingly drinking a bag of potato chips.  Suddenly nauseous, I quickly averted my eyes and darted back to my desk.  I couldn't believe what I had just seen.  A corporate VP slurping from a near-empty bag of chips?  How revolting!  Apparently the woman had reached the bottom of the bag, but wanted the crumbs, thus tilting her head back and lapping at the inside of the greasy, plastic baggy.  Doesn't she know that crumbs are for birds and the homeless? 

This is troubling.  Why on earth would a woman of stature (all meanings, please) stoop so low as to try and gulp her shaved potatoes?  Has everyone in America gone mad?  Is the Obama administration still reeling from the messes George W. Bush made (for I can imagine GWB drinking his chips)?  

Drinking chips; a disgusting habit no one should entertain.

Naturally,

PE

Antiperspirant Palms

As a sidebar from my Windex plight, I'm going to discuss deodorant.  I use deodorant, and I hope most of you do, too.  But sometimes I slip while applying it to my underarms.  It's very annoying, especially in the midst of a morning rush.

So, my question is, have any of you ever gotten antiperspirant on your hands?  I've never used the spray kind (aerosol will be the death of us, just you wait) but I've heard it can be just as damaging as roll-on.  

The sensation I've felt is that of dry icky stickiness.  Like a dog with an under-active salivary gland licked my palms and then I tried to dry them with half-eaten lollipops.  I just had to share that I think Antiperspirant Palms is one of the most annoying maladies ever!

Reply/comment, and tell me what you think.

Answers From the Land of Dreams

Good Morning, all!

I slept terrificly last night, considering the scary circumstances from earlier yesterday evening.  Just to recap, I was offered a role in a Windex commercial and ultimately threatened into doing it.  The stipulations were as follows;  I could accept the role, but would have to carry the director's demon child (which actually DOESN'T have seven heads, my bad) for a gestation period of six weeks, OR I could decline and surely be killed.  I asked the director for a night to weigh my options, and I've decided what I'm going to do.

It came to me in a dream. . .

I dreamt that I was locked in a room of the Hyperion Hotel, high above the streets of LA.  Some sort of apocalypse was happening outside and the only thing I could do was pace the floor and talk to Lilah Morgan, who was sitting on this room's lumpy old bed.  Suddenly, Lilah started to cry ... and if any of you know Lilah Morgan, she doesn't cry.  When I asked what was wrong, Lilah said that she didn't want the world to end because all she had ever wanted was to have a baby.  I swear I heard Ace of Base "All That She Wants" playing somewhere outside the room.  I told Lilah not to worry, and that we'd soon be free.

Somehow, Lilah and I managed to escape the room and made our way to the kitchen on the ground floor of the Hyperion.  The back loading door was open and no one was around.  I suddenly felt awful and sick.  Apparently, I had been living at the Hyperion for a while, serving the team of Angel Investigations wholeheartedly.  But the realization that my team members had left me sent me reeling.  

Lilah and I proceeded outside into the night.  We heard screams and cries from the city, but saw no one.  Suddenly, a group of people in orange jumpsuits appeared.  It was my team!  Gunn and Fred hopped out of Gunn's truck and presented me with a shovel for "protection."  I tried to hand one to Lilah, but she was gone.  My plans at helping her find a baby were crushed.

I followed the AI team through the woods of LA (hmmm?) and then into a town square where hundreds of people stood, poised to fight.  Angel showed up and took my shovel, replacing it with one of his favorite swords.  When I asked why, he simply said "You're part of the team now."  And smiled.

So, this dream told me a few things:

Lilah = My trepidations at helping Director Michael Lovelace bring a demon-child into the world.  Since Lilah Morgan was evil before/after she died, she represented the side of EVIL in my dream.  I could have helped her, but at what price?  Losing my life in the sudden apocalypse?

The Hyperion Hotel = Me being trapped in the hotel was representative of me being tricked or snared by the Windex executives.  In my dream I had the courage to escape, but will I today?

Angel & the AI Team = The team (Wes, Fred, Gunn) represented the aspect of friends and family.  Real friends will never really desert you, even when it may seem that way at times like, oh let's say, when they don't comment on your blog with helpful friendly advice?  The large grouping of people in the town square represented the side of GOOD and that, by leaving Lilah and following the AI team, I had chosen to "fight the good fight."  Angel showed up to give me his sword as a way of furthering my understanding of what I must do. . .

I must kill Michael Lovelace.

I'm gonna need a broadsword. . . 

G'day, mates!

PE

Further Windexploits

THIS JUST IN:

Michael Lovelace just gave me a friggin' ultimatum.  The nerve!

Demon-daddy called me roughly twenty minutes ago to gather my insurance information so he could be "ready for insemination proceedings," whatever THAT means.  I was appalled! 

"Hold on there, director guy," I told him.  "I'm not even sure I want to do this yet.  I mean, no one's even commented on my blog."

He basically told me that I could accept his request and get the commercial role, or decline and have my liver fed to his newborn upon birth.  I asked to sleep on it.

Hopefully I'll have some answers tomorrow morning.  I mean, I like my liver.  That's the whole reason why I refuse alcohol at social gatherings.

All my best,

PE

Windex -or- How the Wealthy Stay Clean

So, as a few of you may know, I recently signed an agreement with Richard V. Wayland, the Windex guy, to appear in a commercial for America's favorite glass cleaner.  Well, here are a few things one doesn't know about glass cleaner until one has had the pleasure of selling it to the masses:

A)  Richard V. Wayland is a very wealthy man who obviously has someone from either South America or France Windexing his windows on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.

B) Windex is NOT for drinking, especially by children.

C) Commercial directors are meaner than any other type of director (i.e. Camp Director).

Now to the real point of interest; should one do something one wouldn't normally do for money/a job?  Let's say, hypothetically of course, that Michael (the Windex comm. director) asked me (the Windex comm. star) to say, carry his seven-headed demon-spawn in my gut . . . would you suggest I do it for the role, or back out politely?

The pros of this situation are obvious; I get the role, get paid, get noticed, etc.  And the gestation period for a Vocah demon is only like, six weeks.  So I'd be back into shape before my birthday, right?

The cons are heavier though;  Apparently, Vocah spawn are calcium hogs, and I really like my teeth IN my head.  Secondly I'd get fat, which I'm not sure about at all!  I mean, I'm almost 21, I have at least 15 years until I can get away with having a big belly.

I need some answers, friends and readers.  Please, tell me what you would do in my situation.  You know, hypothetically.

Thanks, all.

PE

Groosablog!

Angel: After the Fall is, needless to say, amazing!

I know it's been out for quite a while now, but I just got my hardcover copy of Angel: AtF Vol. 2 (first night).  I loved it, but my favorite part was the Groosablog entry by Groo at the beginning.  It was sort of an opener, an introduction to the book.  It was so effing funny that I read it twice!

Anyway, check that shit out because, if you know anything about Angel, Groo, or Joss Whedon, you will laugh your little pants off!

Oh, and if you're being all anti-Buffy Guy, get over it.

AC