*The shocking conclusion of my Windex dilemma*
It's been a while, but I'm back with more exciting Windexploits.
As you know (and if you don't know, read my other Windex-centered entries) I just finished the initial tapings of my first ever commercial! It's an ad for the new green Windex products available at Target and Super Target locations near you! If any of you readers follow my Tweets on Twitter, then you've probably been seeing some crazy blurbs since my last Windexploits post. Well, here's a super quick run-on recap:
It all started about a week ago when Michael Lovelace, the director of my Windex commercial, gave me the harrowing news that I could A) star in his ad, or B) have my liver cut out if I didn't obey his wishes. Lovelace, it turns out, is a Vocah demon (evil, but harmless in most cases) and he wants me to to gestate his demon offspring for a period of 6 weeks in exchange for the role in his commercial. If I declined, he would cut out my liver and feed it to his newborn child once some other poor soul had delivered it. I most recently accepted the role and told Lovelace that I would be "honored" to bare his child, even though I am A) a man, B) not up to the challenge emotionally, and C) lying through my perfect teeth.
Here's the thing. I told Lovelace I'd go through with it, and we filmed the commercial. But I can't help him bring a vicious demon-spawn into the world, so I devised a plan. You may recall me mentioning a dream I had that told me killing Lovelace was the only option, and the only way to kill a demon, that I know of, is to decapitate it. So, I bought a sword and a few sharp kitchen knives for good measure.
This morning I was to meet Lovelace and his wife, Rebecca, at his office in LA. We were going to go over the footage from yesterday's shoot and begin the insemination process. On my way into the building I was stopped at a metal detector and detained for bringing "weapons" into the facility. Of course, they were stowed (apparently I'm not the only one who wants this guy dead) and I was lead upstairs, defenseless.
I arrived at Lovelace's office, scared to death and praying to the PTB to help me out. But, upon entering, I realized it was no use. I was going to be impregnated with Vocah spawn and there was nothing I could do about it. They called me into the office and we viewed the ad tape. I must say, for a moment I forgot all about the impregnation and liver eating. I was damn good in that commercial! Maybe this whole ordeal isn't that bad after all, I thought. Suddenly, the lights dimmed, and Rebecca Lovelace started chanting some weirdo babble from behind Mike's desk. Candle's were lit, the shades were drawn across the large windows facing LA, and I was pinned to the wall by Michael himself.
Now, Vocah demons can pass as humans while clothed, but, well . . let's just say that beneath it all, they aren't like real men at all. Lovelace undressed, and prepared himself for the, er, process. I was terrified. I had no idea how this was even going to work. I don't have a uterus. I'm not equipped for these things! As Lovelace pinned me closer to the wall something happened in my brain. That something told me to run and kick and shove and fight as hard as I could. So I did. I pushed Lovelace off of me and then pushed him again, a little too hard, actually. The next thing I know, a screaming, nude, commercial director is crashing through a thirteenth floor window. My bad.
Apparently, Rebecca and the others there weren't too happy with Lovelace's antics either, so I wasn't punished too severely. I was simply shown the door, and sent home. I even got a few handshakes on my way out! I guess it just goes to show you that the Powers That Be are always watching. It's just too bad I didn't get to use the sword. By the way, as payment for the window I kinda destroyed, I have to wash all the panes on the thirteenth floor for two weeks! Good thing I know a thing or two about Windex.